We're Coming to Your House

when the shit hits the fan

Your Sister, Husband and 6 Kids, just came through the back door.

I was sitting on the steps of an old out building yesterday, the heat from the sun gently warming my face. I was mesmerized by this seasons garden and feeling satisfied with the work we were able to get done in properly putting it to bed for the winter. The universe granted us a few extra 65 degree, sunny days this October. Generally, our temperatures are running about 45 degrees during the day with a bone chilling rain filled dark clouds.

While the suns’ warmth held me captive I closed my eyes and let my mind wander. It took me to thoughts of the chaos happening in the world and in particular, the U.S. Such crappy thoughts on such a beautiful day, I know. But that is where it seemed to want me to go.

We Yoopers, my thoughts were telling me, live on the edge of the trucks lines up here. So far things are running relatively smooth for now. But for how much longer? How soon could the diesel shortage affect us? Plus there is that looming railway strike that has not been resolved. OMG, yes, the election. Can’t forget that disaster barreling down on us! And a head of lettuce was $4.00 at the grocery store yesterday. Geez!!

With my pleasant, satisfied mood blasted into oblivion, I shook off that scary stuff and put my mind back on the tasks at hand. But of course, that wasn’t to be for long. My mood and imagination had other ideas, they weren’t going to give me the day off. So, I made an executive decision to walk the half mile down the road to a secluded trickle of water coming from the watershed the next 40 west of here. I’ve yet to see any fish in it, but the sound of a babbling brook was what I needed to further explore the chaotic situation in the world, I was comforted surrounded by nature.

Here’s the plain truth

We all seem to have or know people in our lives that are, to put it nicely, less than productive. You love the hell out of them but they are the takers and not as productive or contributing as they could be.

Your (sister, cousin, neighbor, fill in the blank), her husband who has been previously married 3 times, their 6 kids, two big dogs and a cat show up at your house expecting you to take them in because they know you have an alternative source of heat for your house and it is getting cold. They took mental notes when you were bragging about spending your overtime pay on stocking the freezer. You were trying to convince them to do the same by leading by example.  But since they didn't take the hint, and the power has been out for a few days now, dear Sis explains to you that you need help eating all that frozen food before it spoils so we are here to help with that.

These familiar folks "tell you" that they are here for the duration of the power outage or disaster because their place "is too cold, there are no lights and the toilet won’t flush. It's just uninhabitable the way it is. You wouldn't want our dear children to be cold and hungry would you?"

You agree, it's not the youngsters fault, you have a soft spot for children. They do deserve a warm meal and a clean bed, even though the inept adults of their household saw no need to plan ahead. But seriously, your ability to care of another family will put your supplies and comfort zone in danger. Your immediate household, your children and spouse are always first in importance, as it should be.

Between a rock and a hard spot

Damn, that's not fair, you think, just because they didn't plan ahead for their family and their wellbeing, it's not my responsibility but in your heart, you and your wife feel the need to take care of the kids at least. What are you to do??

What follows, you may feel is a bit extreme but it will be effective for those particular folks, less ambitious folks, those special people who think it is someone elses responsibility to take care of them.

Right off the bat you must express in no uncertain terms, if they can't live with the guidelines you are about to bestow on them, they will be free to find another host. Please feel free to copy the following guidelines and distribute to your less than stellar house guests. It most certainly will be difficult, but the earlier you hand out the guidelines the better. You may even hint to them before any disaster, prepare them ahead of time. Everyone will be happier knowing where things stand. Life rules are much easier to enforce once all parties understand what is expected of them. Yes, this is hard core but, they are your family, friends or neighbors after all.  You are saving their ass, but do it for your own peace of mind because after all is said and done you likely won’t get any thanks.

Print and save

Please read and sign; this is what and will be required of you should you plan to stay here. Things you will need to bring with you or retrieve from your place.

1. Your children are your responsibility, no exceptions; bring what they need.

2. Pets are also your responsibility; bring what they need. 

3. Take note: Aggressive, dangerous, uncontrollable or unhealthy animals will be taken to the woods and dispatched. No exceptions. The groups' safety and survival always takes precedence in a long duration crisis. 

4. All Pets; with this many people in the house it will begin to feel small and crowded. All pets, every single animal will remain outside or in the garage. Plan on it.

5. Clothing; sturdy work clothes, shoes and easy care clothes. You will be responsible to wash your own clothes by hand and hang to dry. Plan on it.

6. Food; bring with you as much as possible. It will be shared by everyone. Plan on it.

7. Bedding; you will be responsible for bringing your own bedding or sleeping bags.

8. Cleaning supplies, toilet paper, trash bags etc; with this many people it means more cleaning to keep everyone healthy. Bleach, if you have it will be greatly appreciated.

9. Soap, shampoo, toothpaste, feminine products etc; you will need to keep yourself clean and sweet smelling. It may mean heating and hauling water, too. Plan on it.

10. Weapons, ammo, hunting and fishing gear; until needed, weapons and ammo will be locked away. Kids will be taught what firearms are and the need to respect them. Older children, 14 and above, will be taught to shoot. Plan on it.

11. Your prescriptions and first aid supplies; you will need to bring your own meds, this needs no explanation. First aid supplies will be locked away and shared by all as needed.

Please take note; your personal items, such as clothing, bedding, prescriptions and childrens items etc. will be available for your own use. Everything else will be locked in the storeroom and shared with the house.

         You will be expected to work for the house each day. The greater part of work will depend on the need at the time. Plan on it.

NO chores, NO food, NO exceptions!! The following is a list of chores that you can expect during your stay for the length of this crisis. These are not all inclusive, more will be added as needed.

1. Daily Chores; included in this section, but not limited to, cooking the meals and cleaning up after, sweeping the floors, cleaning the bathroom and removing waste to outdoor disposal site. Any other task that may be required to help the house survive. The Loo will be emptied promptly after breakfast.

2. Hauling water and purifying it; the creek is half a mile away and water will need to be hauled to the house and purified. A wagon and containers will be provided.

3. Hunting and fishing as needed; all the work involved from harvest to the ready to cook stage will be your responsibility for that day. Everyone that can, will have their turn at hunting and fishing.

4. Gardening; this will include but not limited to, seed starting, tilling the ground, planting, weeding, watering, harvesting, canning and drying etc.

5. Foraging; this is the gathering of wild grown food such as apples, raspberries, gooseberries, blueberries and elderberries. Also, roots such as dandelion, burdock and others. Herbs and other plants to assist and ensure flavorful meals and drinks. 

6. Firewood; in the fall or as time permits, firewood needs to be gathered and cut, chopped, hauled and stacked. Everyone helps. Plan on it.

7. Babysitting; this will be designated as a chore. 1 or 2 people will be that days designated sitter so mothers can work.

Childrens' responsibility; when in a long term survival situation children under the age of 14 will be fed twice a day. The rest of the household may not be so lucky. Children 14 and older will be treated as an adult, with adult responsibilities and all that entails. Children younger than 14 years old WILL be supervised at all times. There will be no exceptions.

      This is a survival situation; it is not a vacation! All members will sign this agreement.

I left my favorite hiding spot and headed back to the house, the sun went behind a cloud as the day had started to cool. Walking along the road I got to thinking that this guidelines shit was down right nasty. But is it really?

As I reached the backdoor and was about to enter the house a chill caught me by the arm and shook me to my core. What if, no not what if, when. . .