Why the U.P. doesn't have nudist camps
Yesterday, I was standing in line at the grocery store when I overheard a guy in the next line over say he was out on the river fishing when he was suddenly lifted off the ground. This fisherman was apparently talking to his buddy who was asking how the fishing was because he wanted to fish the bank of that river too. He told his buddy, “the view from over the trees was great,” he said, “but lucky I had my phone in my back pocket because I had to call someone to come give me a ride home.” Mosquitos had carried him off it seems and were intent on using him for a meal when he managed to hit the ground and ran off.
Ok, you know that’s a bullshit story, right? True, that some want to make the official bird of the Upper Peninsula, the Mosquito. It is so bad up here some years that you can drive the Sceney Stretch (M-28 between Marquette and Munising) and have your windshield blackened with thick greasy bug juice, so bad you can’t see. This spring, as a matter of fact, this happened to a guy on facebook during a night drive. The June bugs and black flies were out of control attacking his car with brute force! Lots of rain, means lots of hatching nasty, biting bugs. That section of highway has lots of marsh and standing water in the spring.
This time of year, outdoor picnics in the U.P. consist of beer, brats and mosquito netting headgear. Early spring is gnat season, No-See-Ums they call them, biting, miserable, little bastards I call them. Later in the summer is biting Horse Flies. You can’t out run the Horse flies or out ride them and sometimes you can’t even out drive them. But they can drive you nuts!!
Yard animals and livestock fare the brunt of the bloodshed from this nasty joke on humanity. Those poor animals have no means of protection from the biting bugs. Moose and Elk at least can wade into a lake and get a break, short lived as it might be.
My big shot son who lives out in Colorado, in the desert, says they don’t have that kind of a bug problem. They have very large hairy spiders, scorpions and poisonous snakes out there. So I guess that’s the trade off of living in this most inhospitable place. We have blood sucking/draining bugs, they have blood poisoning creatures. Winters are great up here, no bugs!
I suppose we Yoopers, could plaster all our exposed naked skin with mud like the native people do in the Amazon jungle. But I hardly think that wonderful skin treatment would fly here, why have a nudist camp if you can’t be a nudist. And the thought of covering my body in toxic deet spray everyday scares me worse than the bugs. So, what’s a yooper to do?
You know, bears hate the smell of humans. They will attack an outhouse and beat it to the ground. Knock it over and rip it apart. They eat car interiors too. Just thought you should know that.
Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes, bugs. How to successfully rid yourself of biting bugs? Smoke works well for picnics, and on the picnic table. Do they still make those burnable bug coils? I absolutely love those ancient mosquito chasers. I do know for sure that Walmart and some hardware stores carry large incense on a stick for the yard. They do a relatively decent job of keeping bugs away. Otherwise, regular household incense on the table do well to keep away mosquitos and some flies away. Set a couple under the table too, but be sure to inform your guests that it is there.
If we are close to an electric outlet or a DC power source when we are outdoors, I will set up a fan on medium to keep away bugs. Now, let me tell you, this works well, great, terrific, the best! If you are out in the middle of nowhere camping, you may have to revert back to smoke as your bug deterrent. Deet spray on the shoes only.
I have two homemade recipes that have served me well over the years.
1/3 cup oregano leaves-dried
3 bay leaves-crushed
1/4 cup lavender flowers
1 tsp. powdered cloves
1/4 cup lemongrass
1 to 1 1/2 cups distilled water
Make a strong tea using distilled water. Set aside and let cool for 3 to 4 hours. Strain out the herbs. Saving the liquid, add 1/4 carrier oil and put into a spray bottle and shake. I like to add 1/3 cup or so of vodka to preserve the mixture for later use.
20 drops lemongrass essential oil
10 drops clove essential oil
10 drops eucalyptus essential oil
10 drops lavender essential oil
20 drops geranium essential oil
Add to this mixture of essential oil 1 cup of everclear or regular vodka, shake well before use.
If you are lucky to have a bottle of Thieves Oil from a Youngevity distributor or you can find it on Amazon, too. Find a 2 or 4 oz. dark colored spray bottle, to this add carrier oil, witch hazel and 20 drops of the Thieves oil. This one is awesome, I use it everywhere. I even use it during cold and flu season as a germ protector. It has so many uses and you will walk around smelling like a cinnamon bun. Yummy!
These recipes can be used on children and pets too. To help keep the ticks from running up your legs, spray a generous amount on shoes and pant legs. Socks and ankles too.
There may come a day in the very near future when commercial bug spray is not available and you will need to resort to plan B. You’ll have to keep your clothes on for sure, when you visit the U.P.
Yep, even after all that good advice, I have yet to hear of a nudist camp in da U.P. I’ve been here almost 33 years, too.
“If da bugs don’t get ya, da bears might,” says Eino to Toivo while they were out fishing one day. “Can’t outrun a bear when yer naked. Yer right Toivo, maybe a nudist camps not such a good idea, eh?”